“Have no fears of depth. Instead have a great fear of shallow living. The sea does not like to be restrained.”
For years I lived a shallow existence. Sure I achieved accomplishments and lived a nice life on the surface, but I was playing my life small. Shrinking in the face of fear and insecurities. My beliefs about myself and the world impacted my decisions. I chose the periphery. I chose to stay in my comfort zone. Chose to stay quiet. Chose to say yes when I really meant no. Chose to deny my truth and instead remain captive by my ego and false personality. Chose to believe I wasn’t good enough. I betrayed myself in order to please everyone in my life, and to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
Limiting beliefs and limiting decisions are something that we all experience. Belief systems are formed in all of us during childhood and then we seek life experiences that support these beliefs. Oftentimes traumatic events reinforce belief systems and even create new ones that become hard-wired in our brain.
Recently I attended a women’s empowerment retreat in Maine with 12 badass women who I am so privileged and honored to now call friends. My tribe reminded me of who I really am, and what my purpose is. They helped me to uncover those parts of myself that were still in hiding.
On a gorgeous sunny afternoon, we went to the beach. We were guided to send our fears into the water. I was throwing globs of wet muddy sand into the ocean. Feeling that this mud was like all the internal sludge that had been holding me back and weighing me down for years. I hurled it all into the ocean while screaming, shouting, and crying, watching the waves carry it all away.
Moments afterwards, I ran full force into the ocean and let the waves crash over me, knocking me over, but not keeping me down. It was exhilarating, and absolutely petrifying at the same time.
You see, I’ve been terrified of water since the age of 6 when I nearly drown. I would love to tell you that I wasn’t scared now but that would be a lie. Truth is I was just as terrified now as I was when I was 6. And I had nobody around me. It was me and the ocean. But instead of avoiding, instead of running, instead of berating myself for the fear, I dove in. I saw the risk as the ultimate way to experience freedom.
Diving in to that ocean represented me diving in to my life, to my authentic self. Taking off another layer of mask. Revealing my truth.
I changed the pattern. Same feeling, but new behavior.
You can’t just wake up one day and decide to be confident or powerful. You have to work on dissolving all the barriers that prevented you from your source of power in the first place. That’s the real work!
I’m still showing up for myself each day, doing the work. Uncovering the shadow parts of me that long to come into the light so I can experience freedom, truth, and love. It’s not always easy. In fact most days it’s downright painful. And I screw up—alot! But it’s necessary for me to be the best version of myself for the evolution of my own soul, and for the evolution of the world.
My greatest fear now.....is of shallow living.
What depths do you fear? What muddy sand is weighing you down? What are you ready to hurl into the ocean that is no longer serving you? Where have you been betraying yourself to accommodate the world? What patterns are longing to be broken?